


Suddenly married! Or how to marry into the line of Durin without meaning to! Fíli's Version

by Trichia



Series: Suddenly married! Or how to marry into the line of Durin without meaning to! [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Courting Rituals, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Eventual Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Everybody Lives, F/M, Mentioned Thorin's Company
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 12:28:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18571522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trichia/pseuds/Trichia
Summary: Do not indulge too much in dwarven Ale! Ever! You never know what can happen!!





	1. Rude awakening

**Author's Note:**

> A translation of Plötzlich Verheiratet! Oder wie man ohne es zu wissen in die Königslinie Durins einheiratet by Trichia.

Slowly I came to. My head was pounding as if a herd of Olifaunts had trampled over it. I felt hot, too hot vor a icy winter's night. This was, to say it lightly, disturbing... it shouldn't be this warm... after all this time without dwarvish inhabitants. At least not untill the great forges were lit again permanently...

My sight was slurred as I opened my crusty eyes, and well.. as the scarce Lamplight was unintentional...

What I thought as an glowing, withered smudge showed itself to be Fíli’s goldblonde mop of hair.

‚ _Oh_!‘, I thought, ‚ _s’only Fíli_ …‘ and closed my burning eyes, incredible tired, only to open them wide again in moments: …WAIIIT… KÍLI!?!

„WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!???“ with a scream that would have made a Nazgûl bland in comparison, I jumped out of bed, or I tried to... I tangled myself in the Sheets and tumbled ungracefully out of bed.

„Augh!!“ that hurt!!!!

Trying and failing to free myself from the completely tangled sheets. My head...no...my whole body was pulsing from pain!

Mahal… what happened last night??!

The last that I knew of... well.. was.. the feast! The Welcomefeast with its mountains of food and drink. The quantity of both was frightening... where in the name of Mahal did they got them?!

Me myself, well, I DID partake in the honeywine...HEAVELY

...but hey... it was honeywine!!!

And now that...

A very naked Fíli...

A very naked, very hairy Fíli bend over the side of the bed, his hair in disarray... more so than normal. The grin that was splitting his face was of the 'cat got the cream' type

„ _ **Baknd ghelekh**_! What are you doing on the floor _**Kurdûh**_ , that can't be comfortable? Come back to bed… _**sanghivasha**_ _“_ that last part was practically purred.

„No, it's not comfortable! But no thank you... I'll stay where I am, but... what in Mahal's name are YOU doing here, NAKED in MY BED?!!?!! And… (with a glance downwards) ….why am I naked?!“

Fílis face stilled, he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, but finally he found his voice: „Y-“ but he couldn't speak further, because in this one moment the door of my chamber was thrown open with a bang and Thorin and Dwalin entered without a byyourleave (Orkrist and the fameous twinaxes drawn).

„What happened?! Who screa-“ Thorin stopped apprupdly, his jaw dropped to the floor, his eyes widened so far, they seemed to popp out of his eyesockets! Behind him Dwalin did the same. („Lassi…“)

„ _ **Abzagûn**_! What have you DONE!?!“ howled Thorin.

The wall of royal anger hit me square in the face. I was dumbfounded... What in the world had happened just now?! What was it that I had presumably done to justify his anger? „J-Just wait a moment… there has to be a misun-“

„HOW CAN YOU BE SO INDECENT TO SPOIL THE ROYAL LINE OF DURIN! HE WAS A VIRGIN“ Thorin all but had an aneurisma.

„WHAT? I've done no such thing!!!Damn it!That's impossible! I'm a virgin too!!!”I screamed back at him.

Thorin's and Dwalin's faces grew murderous.

‚ _Uhoh_ ‘ I thought ‚ _Not good, REALLLY not good_!‘ as fast as I could I fought my way out of the constricting blankets, threw on a discarded tunic and... my head poundend like a mine and I felt nauseous...

Thorin an Dwalin came after me, weapons drawn and waving at me... so... I jumped over the bed, avoiding a devilish grinning Fíli, ducking out of grasps way of dwarven arms and ran. The so-called, self-proclaimed “watcher of virginity” hot on my heels.

„FIIILIIII! Don't laugh and help me you imbecile!!!!!“I yowled and tried to keep myself two steps ahead of my followers, what was evidently NOT easy. Nasty and fast little buggers all of them!

It was not funny to run through the Halls of Erebor... REALLY not funny!

The pitter platter of my naked feets where drowned out by the hollering of my persecutors, all the while I tried not to stumble into passers-by.

There. A slight gust of wind on my neck. My head swivelled around, to see if Thorin and, or Dwalin had caught up to me. But behind me there were only stunned passers-by.

Nearly inaudible I mumbled _**Gasatafra**_! _**Achrâchi gabilu**_ _‘_ or a _**Jemut men**_ _‘_.

Thanks to Mahal nobody tried to stop me. It was interesting there SHOULD be someone stopping me, only because their king was shouting deathtreats!

All the time I wondered, why was Thorin so angry, nothing happened... or had..? I was so confused!

Maybe it would help to recount the day Prior.

Some of the passing dwarrows had called out some VERY interesting things ( _hey what a night ey? The ale was flowing in rivers nay? How's the lad? When is ta wedding? May Mahal bless you both!_ )

What was that about? What wedding? Damn it, I should REALLY remember what happened yesterday! I had a bad feeling..

Well..I needed a place to think, hopefully a quiet one...

The _**melhekhîn**_! There they wouldn't search for me!!! Probably...

I ducked behind the huge Stonegiant of a Throne and tried to make myself small to not be seen by anyone by chance. Thanks to Mahal, now I had a quiet place to think.

 

.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly, Middle-Earth is not mine. Belongs to the Tolkien Estate and some of the rights that are passed around to make cartoons and live action films. Merely borrowing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories

_It started with Thorin's declaration of a Welcoming-feast for the return of Durin's Folk._

_With huge wagons they had trekked across Middleearth from Ered Luin to Erebor._

  
_Probably on Fíli's and Kíli's insistence 3 Non-Dwarrows: Gandalf, my adoptive brother Bilbo Baggins and me (I count myself of the Clan of the Shire-Dwarrows [Population: 1]) we were included._   
_Gandalf hadn't been seen sice the invitation was spoken... but well... Wheres a job to be done.. an Istarí is nowhere to be found... typical..._

_I had a lot of work to do, be it in the kitchen or anywhere else. Bombur and his army of kitchenaids needed help desperately to prepare all the heavenly dishes [only the crawlies I kept a distance of. Fried spiders, scorpion-shishkebap, Bat-chili-soup! Bleargh!!!]._

_But! Hurray! Bilbo and I could get Bombur to agree to cook up Shire-recepies. Fíli tried to sneak up on us to try and steal the delicacies. All in all he stuck by my side, stood in the way and continued to sneak pastries into his mouth. At least I had to chase him out of the kitchen with hard spoon-swipes._   
_His damn DOGGYEYES!!!!_

_And then there were the decoration of the great hall..._   
_Together with Bilbo (and finaly without Fíli)I went on an „Expedition“to Erebor's grassy plains to catch wildflowers. Thorin allowed us to decorate the Hall with 'this damm weeds' he called 'em._

_We had to fight hard, but finally at the mention that Yavanna was indeed Mahals wife, and with this flowers we would honor her too permission was given._   
_The collected flowers and, as a compromise, Silver- and goldwire with juwels, were interwoven into garlands, bouquets and wreaths._   
_I made a wreath for Fíli, out of white flowers and blue gems, bound with silver thread. I only did this to stop his constant pestering,with which he trampled on my nerves and tried to divert my attention from my work._

_Well and because I wanted to humiliate him a little bit._

_But what did he? I thought he would he would fall unconscious on the spot the moment I gave him his wreath. Fíli wore it on his blond head as if it was a crown made of mithril not of flowers. And his grin couldn't have been wider... he wore it the whole evening and paraded it like a cock in heat. Thorin on the contrary..well.. his heated gaze promised retribution...but the wreath stayed on._   
_But what came to my mind now, was that all the dwarrows in the hall halted in their movement as they recognized Kíli's new adornment. Only Fíli's icy royal stare kept them at bay. They even pretended as if nothing had happened! They returned to their feasting and talking. And Kíli, well... he rolled on the floor laughing..._

****

By Mahal! What had I done!!!! Hadn't I had to listen to Glóins constant babbling, how he had gifted his beloved wife as a last courting gift before the wedding, a wreath of jeweled flowers? How she had gifted him braids in beard and hair in return?  
With trembling fingers I felt over my head... oh dear... there they were... two brais with clasps. Cold sweat broke out across my skin, my heart nearly leaped out of my chest  
„Oh Mahal! OH MAHAL!!!!!“ I wispered.  
But that couldn't be all... there was this nagging feeling...

****

_Giggling and more than wobbling, Fíli and I tumbled through the halls of Erebor to our respective chambers in the royal wing. We had to cling to one-another to not fall flat on our faces. Still... an ellbow or a foot was always in the way..._

_“...you know...Fíli...*hig*.. if you could reighn in your clownness... you would be...be... REALLY... sweet.. yesh... really...*hig*“ I warblede drunkenly, leaning on his shoulder and grinning into his face._

_„Ah..“ Fílis durinblue eyes began to glow. „…really?“_

_„Yesh!!! Would you b‘ a lass, I... would say... that you are beautifull... *hig*..!!!“ I proclaimed proudly._

_I stumbled again, and Fíli wound his arm around my waist to stabilize me...or so I thought... at that point..._

_In reality he was only seconds away to let go of all pretenses and fuck me against the wall..._   
_„ **Sanâzyung** …“ his eyes where whide and his breath heavy... „You w-…“_

_„ **Atkât**!“ I shushed him with a finger on his mouth. „No' so loud *hig* somebod could hear ya! Hnnh!” looking around “S’nobody here! Hihih!“ I found myself REALLY funny in this moment...._   
_Looking upon Fíli, I frowend...„F-Fíli… what's up with you… why... *higs* ...why are you stareing at me like an starved Warg... and... I an bloody steak? Huh? Fíli.. *hig* you gaze... doesen't... I don't...! Hahuh… F-Fíli… wa-? …Mmmph!!!!“_

_Fíli pounced like a lion on his prey._

_He crowded me up against the stonewall of the hallway and pressed his lips onto mine in a searing kiss._


	3. Married?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grande Finale

„…SHIT!!!“

Did that mean…? Nooo… that couldn't… NO WAY!!!

Oh Mahal! WHY ALWAYS MEE!!! WHY was it always I that got stuck in a frisky situation?!

What had I done to earn the wrath of the Valar? Or more... Mahal and Yavanna...

How on Arda could I have gotten engaged and married without even knowing!!! Damn it, no wonder Thorin was after my hide!

„Aha! There you are lass!“ a heavy hand fell on my shoulder and pulled.

Dwalin had me by me scruff (like a kitten) and dragged my shuddering self out into the open before a VERY angry king under the mountain. Fíli and Kíli were standing behind them.

“HOW DID YOU DARE... HAVE I NOT WARNED YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM FÍLI'S AMATORY INTENTIONS?”

„W-Wait a mom-“

„ HAVE I NOT SAID TO NOT; UNDER ANY SURCUMSTANCES; REACT TO FÍLI'S MAKING ADVANCES?”

„I haven't done that! I-“

„HOW COULD YOU BE SO DUMB!?!“

„Wait a minute! I've don nothin wro-“

„ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO THIS NOW IS…. **welcome to the FAMILY** “

„Huh? Wha…? What now…?“ I was completely thrown out of the loop. At first Thorin wanted to kill me and now he had a (very frighting) smile lit up his face.

„…Dwalin… please let me go…? Pretty please?“

„Sheesh lass! No bad blood yes?“ Dwalin grumbled behind me.

The moment my feet touched the ground I tried to make a break for the throneroomdoors, but a strong arm around my hip prevented that. This arm pressed me against a hard muscled chest and Thorins deep, darkly amused voice vibrated through my body.

„ _ **Atkât**_ _!_ There is no reason to flee, sisterdaughter. You are part of our family now! The crownprincess even! Better to accept that fact!” he chuckled. “I probably should make it clear to you that all that happened before now, was a sacred dwarrow-tradition. The family of the bridegroom or bride respectively has to test the ability of the new significant other be it male or female one last time... and well you have passed the test with flying colors! You've done the name and house of Durin proud! It was... a long time since I've seen someone sprinting like you did lass. Not even my sister's husband was that fast, and he WAS a slick bugger. _**Menu gamut khed**_. Well now… Fíli come, don't keep your wife waiting! And Fíli my **inudoy** … _**khuzd tada bijebî âysîthi mud oshmaâkhî dhi zukur ughvashâhu**_ “

With these words Thorin retreated and Fíli filled my vision.

„ _ **Ghivashel**_ _…_ I _…_ my _**kurdînh**_ _…_ “ he swallowed. “… _ **yâsith**_ … _ **yâsithel**_ …“

within me hot searing anger bubbeld up, that horrible...totally absurd situation.... was only Fíli's fault!! Oh he would _PAY_! My eyes slitted and I flashed my teeth...

„F _íli…_ _ **ubzûnat**_!“

**FIN**

 

**Epilogue**

“Thorin... I've... please accept my suit!” with this Bilbo handed Thorin a crown of myrtle, red tulips and white and red roses bound together with silverwhire, rubies and sapphires.

_**crash** _

“ _ **Thorin?! Oh, my?”**_

_**the mythy king under the mountain had fainted on the spot** _

_************* _

_**Baknd ghelekh!** _ Good morning!

_**Kurdûh** _ My heart

_**sanghivasha** _ Perfect treasure

_**Abzagûn!** _ Damn it!

_**Gasatafra!** _ Please let me trough !

_**Achrâchi gabilu** _ _‘I'm so sorry_

_**Jemut men** _ Sorry

_**melhekhîn** _ Throneroom

_**Sanâzyung** _ perfect darling

_**Atkât!** _ Silence!

_**Menu gamut khed** _ you are a wonderfull person

_**khuzd tada bijebî âysîthi mud oshmaâkhî dhi zukur ughvashâhu**_ a dwarf that chooses to take a wife must guard her as his greatest treasure

_**Ghivashel** _ Treasure of treasures

_**kurdînh**_ Heart-Woman

_**yâsith** _ … _**yâsithel** _ … Wife ... Wife of all wifes

**_ubzûnat_ ** ! Run!

 


End file.
